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 That Was So Funny!
Author: LA
Remember the time when you (maryjane) arranged a collaring ceremony and the submissive did not know it was her collaring ceremony! Boy she was pissed when she found out!
Seriously, things like the above have actually happened; and it has happened not that long ago.
Many people get the Safe and Sane part of BDSM but miss out on the part of Consent of actually understanding what it is that they are consenting too.
When I was sharking, I would take the submissive on a whirlwind tour; heck they were new and they had no idea what was going on. So saying yes to being scened by someone could find you at one moment laying on a table being flogged, the next moment at a party where you are wearing some collar around your neck, and finally leaving the BDSM lifestyle from being taken for a ride that has left you with being embarrassed in front of the whole BDSM community.
Learn about understanding what it is that you are consenting to.
I like to tell those new to the lifestyle to go out and find several BDSM checklists, fill them out and print them off. Those terms on the checklist that you do not understand, do your research, and ask questions. Spend six months before diving into the deep end of the pool.
I also tell those new to the lifestyle to build a 'flag' board. In your mind imagine a length of wood, on that length of wood place 9 yellow flags and one red flag. And learn how to use it.
Remember you are new and they are sharks (and don't let them fool you on them not being sharks; they are quite hungry to try you out or collect you, or be the first to 'have' you) smelling the new fresh blood dripping into the water. When those IM's, PM's and other attempts to contact you start popping up start off by raising a few yellow flags for each person contacting you.
Like do you know them? No. Would not getting to know a little bit about somebody be a concern of yours before finding yourself laying face up naked, tied to a table, with him saying I've always wanted to fuck some girl with a knife (I shit you not this has actually happened)... It might be a little late to call red at that point.
And listen to his claims of experience. Say wow he does know more then I do, raise a flag because he does know more. You know very little about what is going on, give yourself some time to catch on.
Oh and most STD's are forever. He wants to fuck you then he is the one who is going to pay for your STD test and you damn well better make sure you see his STD test results; check the test date *wink* It's real hard to reach into your purse to grab a condom when tied to a table...
With the raising of each flag take some time to personally address each flag that was raised. Don't tell him when you have a flag, instead think about the flag and ask well thought out questions over a time frame that either lay to rest the raised flag or cause you to turn that red flag up.
If you get all 9 yellow flags raised or he causes a red flag to be raised, walk away. Simply walk away. BDSM in an inherently dangerous sport.
Let him know that you want to be free to walk away. That you want a "no questions asked walk away" agreement. Making a public scene where you spout off about your experiences about him and how you found him to be shit is bad for you, too. When you do make a scene at the end of an one-on-one BDSM experience all the other Dominants will know what is that you do when you 'break up'. Who is going to want to be keel hauled upon your next break up?
Remember, Dominants are by their nature trying to be at the top of the food chain; Dominants Dominate. The higher up the Dominant is on the food chain the more 'ruthless' he is as a hunter. Dominants are slick, sly, manipulative sons of a bitches who want you; We will say practically anything to get you, We will insure that you see all the great things that We have done, and We will get you at the expense of all the other Dominants - it's Our nature to be at the top. After all do you (as a submissive) want a Dominant who is at the bottom of the food chain?
Get references. When you ask him for a list of references remember he is going to give you list of people who he knows will give you a good word. Go ask people not on the list.
If all you are going to hear is one side of the story then you are not going to make an informed decision. I'm sure you'd rather not have to deal with the bullshit that is going to come about when you show up to maryjane's secret collaring party and it's you who's being collared.
Find someone who is willing to teach you about negotiations.
Learn about SSC.
Spend 6 months studying before you ever feel the flogger or rope or needle or knife. Six months is nothing compared to a life time of BDSM pleasures.
.....
Oh and be aware of the 'cheap trick' - the Dominant has a girl who comes a calling. It's a very well used and very successful strategy for a Dominant to send his submissive out to get you.
Raise the yellow flag on the 'cheap trick' and then give yourself 6 months. If they cannot wait for six months to let you study about this lifestyle before scening you, then you're a notch on a belt.
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