SEX and BDSM

After discussing the roles and the relation in their typical traits, now the Guide to BDSM Basics turns to the delicate topic of sex and BDSM: an alchemy with very different possible outcomes, from plain bizarre sex to purely chaste BDSM relations.

BDSM BASICS

8. SEX & BDSM

A very common topic in BDSM communities discussion is the presence or absence of sexual intercourse into BDSM play or relationships. BDSM moves from sexual arousal, so there certainly is a strict linkage between sexuality and BDSM. On the other hand, the D/s essence is defined in a distance between Dom and sub that should be strongly outlined denying any sexual contact or gratification. This happens to be common in FemDom/malesub relationships. Denying of sexual acts in MaleDom/femsub relations is quite rare. That can be explained by the more intense need of physical release of sexual arousal of the male body. Into BDSM play there are anyway lots of games stimulating arousal body areas and genitals (like dildo penetration, CBT of Facesitting, just to say some). There is indeed a whole world of games grouped under the name of tease and denial who precisely focus in driving crazy for eager the sub (giving or denying the climax depending from personal situations). There are then also the Chastity Games, focused in forced Chastity of the sub, usually brought to wear a chastity belt or device on temporary or permanent basis. Those games can be considered "sexual" for some and only used as submissive tools from others. I've found three different "parties" about that matter: those who consider Bdsm play as a preliminary game introducing sexual intercourse, those who would never have sex with own Dom or sub and those who may have it but distinguish sexual intercourse from BDSM play. Let's see the reason of those choices:

Bdsm PLUS Sex

Often, the BDSM experience starts from a loss of desire within a couple. The erotic attraction which usually thrill the starting of a relation, naturally declines within a more or less wide length of time. Discovering how much some situations and scenes may trigger back the emotion and the arousal, can be a very strong motivation to get into BDSM play. In such cases, the erotic stimulation of BDSM reveals its priority. A deep sexual erotic involvement is indeed always present into Bdsm play. Lots of games involve genitals or arousal body areas, outfit is often revealing and sexually exciting and also the touchless games (like verbal humiliations) are perceived as sexually stimulating. So during a Bdsm play is natural that players are sexually aroused. That arousal can be preliminary to sexual intercourse or being appreciated as an emotion by itself. Moreover, also performing sexual intercourse Dom/sub roles can be held. A Dom shall for example order his slave to sexually "serve" but deny or limit the sub's pleasure, or impose him to perform while bearing painful stimulations. In such case the sub is used as a 'sex toy'. We'll explire more specifically the sexual use (and abuse) of the subs in some other articles.

Bdsm WITHOUT Sex

For many BDSMers the pleasure in bdsm play is something different from plain sexual gratification. It is often described as a mental orgasm, a very intense emotion, as strong as sexual orgasm. For those BDSMers the Domination/submission play is often fundamental. They do not find sex necessary to live a fully satisfactory BDSM session. Of course sexual arousal is often present, but they just aren't interested in consuming it with their playpartner. Those who appreciate the D/s play know as well how much exciting is the obvious sexual eager of the sub for the Dom. And many subs enjoy it to the point they find that denial more desirable then the intercourse itself. There are then many Dominants, especially Dommes, who enjoy very much in topping but consider subs as servants, pets or objects. Some can also see them as "friends" or something similar out of the playtime, but it is easy to understand they are not interested in having sex with them. In such relations the desire of the sub can be ignored, derided or also pushed to extremes for Dom's amusing. In that kind of play or relation are often used restraint devices like chastity belts or cock cages. Forced chastity and/or teasing and denial are the more common forms of Bdsm play without sex. There is indeed also a less D/s and more S/m play based on the same sexual denying. Here the sub is used as torture toy, to whip and or torture in different ways without any sexual gratification. Those who enjoy these torture games are basically defined the Sadist and the masochist type. Excluding sexual intercourse from the play makes easy for couples to play with others. Usually who appreciate this point of view consider practices involving genitals or sexual parts 'useful' to the game but do not intend them as 'sexual acts'. Absence of sexual intercourses made also easier occasional play.

Some MORE Thoughts

It is surely very exciting to feel the eager of the sub and tease it. Moreover, i found out that when Doms (male or female ones) sexually 'concede' themselves to their subs, they somehow break the play atmosphere. In my experience, if it all comes out to a sexual intercourse, it usually coincide with the end of the game. Coming from a bdsm play into making love can be a delicious way to quit the game between lovers, especially for fixed couples who aren't into 24/7 play. Usually after the climax most people feel weak and especially subs are very vulnerable, so it is often the moment for Doms to be very sweet and caring regardless if the play is over or not. I know there are some who guessed for that weakness it can be the more appropriate moment to hit harder (mentally or physically) the sub. I will not argue about that. For sure it is a very vulnerable moment. All to keep in mind is that people do Bdsm to express themselves, not to destroy themselves. If the goal is to deepen emotions also over some limits, it can work in the picture. If the goal is to destroy or being destroyed, i guess something is wrong. Keeping the sub in eager shows some interesting aspects. The more a male sub is eager the more he's submissive and able to accept things he would rather be usually reluctant. It does not work exactly the same way for female subs, but it is anyway a very intense game to tease and deny them the climax. Of course there are some different ways to give or gain climax on a bdsm ground, and we will see some of them in the sexual use page.

My Way

I personally appreciate BDSM as a 'sexual variation' or as a game by itself. I find really intriguing to have sex with BDSM elements, but i definitely LOVE the pure state of Domination submission where sexual gratification is immensely desired (and adequately teased) but totally denied to the sub. Let me explain: I do love sex but exactly for this reason I find incredibly exciting to deny it in a BDSM play. When i start over a bdsm play I never expect any sexual release or intercourse. I do found out that it can be fantastic for me to end the play making love if there is a love relationship with my partner. But on occasional or friendly play i find more pleasurable a strict eager and denial playtime. That is, i do love sex, but when i want to have sex I look for that, not for a bdsm play. So, given it is always wonderful to have sex out of the game, I vote for the Dom role as desired but unreachable. Of course I think that the Dominant have the full right to gain sexual pleasure also during a BDSM play. For this goal, should be useful the 'oral servitude' from the sub for Dom's sexual satisfaction, or keeping the sub as a spectator while Dom satisfy himself alone or having sex with someone else. A couple of Doms shall for example have sex together while topping one or more subs, preserving the distance and gaining their full satisfaction while the subs remain in their... natural state of eager :)