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 The Challenges of Evolving
Author: hippykisses
I've read a lot of good articles that discuss the challenges of a new D/s relationship in great detail. I've found them interesting reads, helpful, heartfelt and thought provoking. What I haven't come across as many times as I would have expected to (given the people I've met online and their realtime situations) are articles that discuss the difference between a relationship that from it's outset is D/s in nature and an established relationship evolving into D/s. Though in each of these situations those involved are moving in the same general direction, there is no doubt that the difficulties each encounter are unique. My thoughts today are with the couple that is new to the Lifestyle, and the obstacles they must overcome.
In a relationship that begins as D/s the roles are more clearly defined and expectations, though changeable, are pretty straightforward. One is the Dominant, the other the submissive. The relationship builds from that point. While the nature of a new D/s relationship is about refining the roles, the nature of an established relationship evolving into D/s is about redefining roles. Even if both are new to the lifestyle, when a relationship begins on BDSM footing, the dynamics are going to be different than in a situation where the couples have evolved to this point. It is then a matter of the couple reevaluating who they are in relation to one another.
Even when both in the relationship are completely happy about the D/s direction they are moving in, there are challenges. It's said 'old habits die hard' and that couldn't be more accurate. You may be a submissive who has always had a rather aggressive and dominant role in your relationship. Or a Dominant who's always been entirely laid back and uninterested in controlling much of anything. Does that sound contradictory?? Well, no one said it was going to be simple. After all, we are talking about human nature and as none of us are the same..........*s* Regardless of your past with the person, you both want to move further and further into the D/s area of your lives. A phrase that I've seen a few times comes immediately to mind.......a submissive submits. And by that same token....a Dominant Controls. "What's that?" you say. Alright, what am I talking about? Part of the evolution of a relationship into the realm of Dominance and submission is actually DOING IT. This is aside from the 'bedroom aspect'. Part of redefining roles and taking another look at your relationship is actively expressing your nature. If you are a submissive, you find ways to show your submission to your mate. If you are a Dominant, you find ways of expressing that to your sub. Does that sound entirely too simple? It might, but it's actually a vital step in the evolution of your relationship.
Something else absolutely necessary to the success of the D/s relationship that trips new couples up is communication. One would think that given the fact that the people are IN a longterm relationship it would be a given that they were successful in the communication department. And that is likely very true. What I'm talking about is communicating something that may never have been said aloud before. Your needs as either a Dominant or a submissive. Even if you've shared with your mate your desire to become involved in the Lifestyle, and even if they are as happy about it as you, sharing your needs can be difficult. Whether it's because you are afraid they wont accept them, or that they'll laugh, be turned off, be frightened or think badly of you...........or even if it's because you, yourself are uncomfortable or surprized at your needs. Not sharing these with your mate can be one of the major delays of your relationship moving forward (speaking in the D/s sense) What has to be kept in mind is that D/s is a deeper level of the commitment and love you already share.
In your marriage or relationship you have likely learned that to be happy and fulfilled you must be honest with your mate about your own needs, and respect theirs in order to BOTH come to a place where you are thriving within the relationship. D/s is no different. You have the same responsibility to yourself and your mate to be honest. You are not going to be able to find fulfilment if you aren't willing to communicate your needs. Even if your desire, want or need isn't something that your mate can carry out, what's important is that you've taken that step and just sharing your needs brings you closer together. Thus enabling you to share more easily the next time, and the time after that. A sidenote, something to remember...even if your mate isn't able to do or comfortable with something you want or need right now, that doesn't mean they will always feel the same way. Just laying your cards on the table will deepen your bond. Many of us talk to someone outside of our relationship about our needs. That's normal, and doing that sometimes helps us to get our thoughts in order. But you can't let that replace actually sharing with your mate. It's picturesque to imagine the Dom that just senses exactly what His sub needs from the very beginning or the submissive who anticipates every want or desire of her Dominant upon laying eyes on Him. In reality, however (you know, that place where we actually reside *s*) communication is the surest way to achieve happiness and success in this evolution of your relationship.
Something else that comes to mind are expectations. While a couple coming together in D/s has an understanding that it's not some alternate reality of buxom wenches and leather clad Dominants, those new to the Lifestyle can feel a little lost outside of the imagery and propaganda. Some couples shifting gears into D/s have a romanticized idea of what it's going to involve. When faced with the realization that it's NOT the aforementioned 24hour scening, they might become discouraged. Keep in mind that you aren't out to fit into some cookie cutter Dominant and submissive roles. Your only responsibility is to one another and moving forward on this journey.
A last thought on the challenges, something that everyone should make it a point to remember. D/s is a road no smoother than any other. There will be setbacks, there will be confusion, there will be tears and there will be laughing fits that make your belly ache. It's just another level of your relationship. Don't expect it to be a bandaid of any kind..it's another part of your journey together and you'll work, as you've worked throughout your relationship with your mate. There is no D/s judge coming to your house to tell you if you're doing it right. Don't get caught up in what you think it should be like. There is no measure of your success aside from your happiness and fulfilment with one another. And really, what else could you ask for?
"There is no one to compare yourself to,
and no one to compete with.
There never was.
When the Rose and the Lotus
are side by side
is one more beautiful than the other?"
~Rusty Berkus
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